Don Osmond: In my opinion…

Here’s a little holiday humor for you all to enjoy…

Time for another great “work-related” e-mail.

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life!

She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn’t been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama!

The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

I got this e-mail from a buddy of mine i work with. I thought this was too good not to share. Thankfully, this has never happened to me — knock on wood.

As some of you know, when we visit TAA, we park in an adjacent parking garage next to their building. Instead of driving all the way up the parking garage, we park on the first floor and then take the elevator up to the 7th floor, and then head into the office building. Following a photo shoot this evening, I took the elevator as usual back down to where I parked, but it passed the first floor and stopped in the basement. And then . . . nothing. The elevator’s door wouldn’t open. I pushed every button available, but to no avail. After several minutes and running out of options, I wrapped my fingers around the door and yanked, slowly pulling it open. I then found myself stuck between floors! I realized I had to go for it, but knowing that if the elevator decided to go, I’d be neatly sliced in half. So like in some Bruce Willis movie, I climbed up and out, putting my hand in some gum that had probably been chewed in the late 70’s. I found myself in a graffiti-ridden stairwell that was only half lit. The stairwell led to a door with a sign, also graffiti covered, that read “Monk’s Jazz Lounge.” Breathing a sigh of relief, I tried the door—and it was locked! It was 5:00 pm, and I suddenly had visions of being locked in this hellhole for the entire weekend. I fiddled with the latch, kicked and pulled the door, but it wouldn’t budge. Breathing a few expletives, followed by a prayer, I put my shoulder into the door and charged. The door burst open, and I suddenly found myself free and in the building’s lobby.

That was above and beyond normal client service—can I bill that?

I get random e-mails from time to time, most of which I delete without reading. This one, however, I found to be quite funny.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…

Things I’ve learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

* a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!

* b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

* c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

* d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

* e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Driving to work today I was thinking about the upcoming holiday – Halloween. And the thought that crossed my mind was, “Halloween is going to suck this year.”

With all the foreclosures the market is experiencing, kids are going to be knocking on vacant doors; no candy is going to be given out. I noticed there are three, maybe four homes in my neighborhood that have been foreclosed within the past couple months.

Then… I got sent this e-mail.

Every so often during my Web search at work, I find these mind-numbing site that cause me to ponder: “What the heck was the developer thinking when they created this site?”

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Click here and find out.

I dare you to leave your Web browser on the site for a half hour… no, 5 minutes! (No cheating — so, turn up the volume on your computer.)

EepyBird’s Sticky Note experiment from Eepybird on Vimeo.

It’s been a while since I’ve shared the funny e-mails I receive in the office. This is quite fitting since we’ve just finished the 2008 Olympics. You may have seen this before, but it was a first for me.

Enjoy!